it feels like that certain someone is avoiding me. did i do something wrong that i deserve this treatment? seriously, if i did something wrong, can you just tell me what went wrong? rather than making me feel like a dumbass here wondering where i go wrong and all..

sheesh.

well. here i m outside guitar club room. listening to syg band jam while i try to finish all my long due tutorial. seriously, don't it get any worst? hate the drawing now.

oh hell with it.

i cant seem to even be bothered with ADD. i m too tired and feeling fucked up. until one person have the conscience to come up and ask me what went wrong, till then i wont help much. instead order around. since that person says i did not do much. now i give them a feel on what its like when im not doing much.

a**hole.

dont even know what i m ranting about.

have not finished my tutorial - shit
have not done my presentation - double shit
have not start collecting money for ADD - triple shit
have not start studying for exam - super shit
have not save up enough money for valentine - extremely shit.

oh yeah.
that is my life..

oh what the hell.
back to facebook.


warning to all those who want to start facebook: FACEBOOK IS DARN ADDICTIVE!

p.s: darling, i miss you. its been sometime since we met each other eh? eventhough we are like in the same school and all. its weird we dont bump to each other so that often. hahax.

.aishah.

enjoy!

Monster
by meg and dia

His little whispers
“Love me, love me”
That's all I ask for
Love me, love me
He battered his tiny fists to feel something
Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something

Monster
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here
Looking through the window

That night he caged her
Bruised and broke her
He struggled closer
Then he stole her
Violet wrists and then her ankles
Silent Pain
Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams

Monster
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here
Looking through the windows

I will
Hear their voices
I'm a glass child
I am Hannah's regrets

Monster
How should I feel?
Turn the sheets down
Murder ears with pillow lace
There's bath tubs
Full of glow flies
Bathe in kerosene
Their words tattooed in his veins

Yeah

i m so proud of myself for getting 3/4 of my tutorial during this 3 days.

hip hip hooray for me.
lol.

ok. really. i m proud of myself. i mean, sure, i procrastinate to much. make new friends and such. but still, at the end of the day, i managed to get the things done. hehex. down with FCII group tutorial. i just need to draw all the construction, which i can do on wednesday night. then i can start thinking for the gems presentation already of which, i m like half way done also. just need to do PM and i m free like a bird. this means that i can go for the TIMBER party on saturday. any takers?

hehex.

syg is out there enjoying his chinese new year celebration. i hope he had fun. who knows maybe he collect enough ang pao, then can treat me or something. lol.

i better stop fantasizing.

i was facebook-ing early in the morning. seriously, facebook took over my life now. it used to be friendstar. but now facebook is like, wow. hahax. so i was updating some things and such. and i met a new friend. ok. did not meet up or anything, seeing that im like stuck the whole day at home. nope. i meant to say that i chatted with him. this guy by the name of moses. chatted with him through facebook. oh you know the chat log at facebook itself. apparently he is from Nigeria. kinda nice.

its nice having a pen pal for a change.

oh well. i better finished up with my gems. after which, i can enjoyed the whole day at city hall with syg tmr. hehex.

.aishah.

i knew that there are some people out there who are out to kill me for not updating my blog so frequently eventhough my laptop is like back to normal. hehex. begging for mercy. i have running like a dog eversince the next year start, trying to finish all my tutorial, settling my ADD matters.

its a miserable life if you want to know.

so yeah. now i m counting down to all my tutorials. sheesh.

believe it or not, i actually felt so depressed and excited that my little brother have started his school. seriously, when i see him board the van, my eyes was watery and all. sheesh. it feels like he have grown up too fast. i still like playing around with him and all. gosh. ok, i sound like a mom.

weird.

but he look so darn cute. really really.

oh well. kids grow. i just hope he do better than me in life.

snap out of it aishah.

went over to terence house to have dinner together with the TA-DA. only person missing: phoebe. i wonder where she is. i don't know whether she read this but i will still take the chance: I MISS YOU PHOEBE!

had fun and all still. a pity i wasnt cam-whoring with them. its been month since i saw them. talk to jon like non-stop. from one story to another. if phoe were to be there, it will be more hype. i mean, with her crazy thoughts and their constant teasing on me, we will be laughing like hyenas. hahax.

girl, where are you?

luckily terence stayed the same block as me. kinda easy to go home. just had to walk kesha to the bus stop. i really hope i will get to study in the same university with her and phoe. that will be so totally awesome.

had nice dinner and all. pizza and whatever the food that Chinese family eat during Chinese New Year eve. really, i never get to enjoyed those privileges. thanks to my dearest friend, i get to taste what its like to celebrate other cultures. thanks guys. love you all.

worrying thoughts has just clouded my head.

been spending more time with syg at city hall. i am opening up more to syg. its a nice feeling being able to talk to someone your thoughts and all. so lucky to have him by my side. i guess i get edgy and jealous really easily. and he is like so freaking patience with me eventhough i have step his limit most of the time.

"syg. sorry may seem to be easily coming out of my mouth this few days. but really, everytime i said it, i meant it from the bottom of my heart. i want to be a better person for you. someone whom you can be proud of. give me a chance to do that. i need a little bit more of your patience so that i can understand what my life really mean. you mean everything to me. love you so much

so yeah. modules are getting much more pain in the HEAD! ha. its so difficult to understand. even for law. i mean, i usually m proud of myself for understanding the basic concept after reading once. but now, i need to read at least 2 time before i get to understand the real meaning of Agency. you know law. they may say one thing, but there is always an exception.

fc is getting much more technical with all the drawings. all the joints and such. sheesh. half the time during lecture, i fell asleep as i don't understand a bloody thing the lecturer is lecturing about. all i know, i have to copy the diagram that he had simplified for us on the board.

pm is ok. i mean, planning to shutting down event is practically what i have been doing the whole 2 years in poly. just all the diagrams need more time to understand. let say resource allocation. do you know you can make it into histogram? and with careful planning, you can ensure that your manpower are not too much and not too little? seriously, i didnt know this can happen. it may sound easy, but really, its not. it took me one bloody hour just to complete allocating the resources.

well. at least add is running slightly smoothly for now. thank gawd for that.

i dont know if people are that dumb to realise that i have quit the club. oh well. they will know someday. then again, why should i care people know that i quit, right?

because you dont want them to keep asking you for help for their stuff, dumbass.

ok. i m freaking people out as i m answering my own question

oh hell with it.

time to finish my report again. another report. shucks. i really hope my hard work paid off and my friends had fun celebrating Chinese new year. seriously, i don't know who in the right mind ask their friends to give them all their works so that they can have fun celebrating. its no wonder people call me workaholic. oh well.

i'm lost without you

.aishah.

ok. i m bored. total boredom is killing me now.
gosh

i just dont comprehend myself. why when i m bored, i cant study. but when i m full with stuffs to do, im itching to study? sheesh. i m becoming weirder every moment.

hahax.

ok. im bored. i still have my report to settle. my long overdue tutorial. my write up. my research. gosh. now i wish i had went to jc to study instead of poly. at the very least now i wont be studying. i will be working somewhere since Alevel are long over. envy those friends of mine who took Alevel. should have listen to my dad to go jc.

then again. i wont be meeting fabulous people. oh well. there is always a loss in every decision you make.

what the hell m i ranting about?

will have to start studying already since my exam is like in 4 weeks time. 4 WEEKS!!. time sure flies when you are enjoying. hahax.

oh. tender my resignation. i know. its so not aishah to tender resignation when school is almost coming to an end. but believe me, its not without heavy consideration. i weigh the pros and cons carefully. i mean, like duh i regret tendering it. but i guess its for my own benefits. to survive i need to forgo something.

i spend a year building it for my club. my credibility. my usefulness and all. just a waste that its all going down the drain. but it time i make a decision, a right one, that wil benefit me. its not as if the club will collapse if i stop helping them.

i mean, i m still handling ADD. so no big deal right? if the president cant bloody hell handle some stuffs, then i will just say - Fuck! cant you like handle it yourself? didnt you say the year 1 are so great? get them to do then. i have done my work already.

yep. that is not me. i know. but i do wish that one of this days i get to tell tha straight to his face. i mean, didnt he realise that we are slowly avoiding the club? oh fuck it.

miss syg. miss darling. and i miss hanging out with TA-DA! really miss them disturbing me.

just a bit more and i will be able to attain nirvana.

lol.

till next time.

the devil in me is out

.aishah.

i guess i have made up my mind.
i sure hope i dont regret it.

its at time like this, when you are damn sick you will find yourself who are really your love one and your true friends. ok. lets be fair. those whom i have not seen for quite some time is not included, for the very fact that i have not seen them for so long. sheesh. what i means is people who are studying under the same roof as me. who constantly see me. that kind of friends? ok. school mates i guess.

i got valerie who call me asking me not to worry and all. she kept her word of making my worries for school subside. lets see. i was darn worried about ADD. she help me talk to the advisor on not scolding the committee. she help me handle my tutorial and practical. she talk sense to my class mates. thx lots val!

syg made the effort of coming over my house on thursday. hehex. too weak to move around so yeah he made the effort to visit me. how touching. hehex. my day was much brighter because of him coming. love you syg!

alright. i guess i have to admit there are few of those who really cared for me. even my advisor was damn worried for me. my ADVISOR. sheesh.

i know i was at the wrong for the lashing out and all. but despite that, i still find people supporting me. people like gideon, nabeel, zhi li and such. i cant believed i have such a friend like them. have to say, this friends are really hard to come by.

there are also messages send by darling and noori. so shweet. love you gurls.

hahax.

i feel like this post is my dying post. lol.

ok. its not.

but really i feel grateful to those who were worried sick of me.
worried + understanding + helpful = great friends
its nice to know i have such great friend like them.

and i miss the grand opening of SP open house. darn. was looking forward to it lah. hate it when i fall sick. but looking at the brighter note, at least i know who are truly my friends.

love you all.

at time like this i know what are the malice in you

.aishah.

i miss school..

i miss everyone..

i miss everything..

now i hate being sick..

.aishah.

i dun understand.. why is it any matters that have got to do with clubs always fall back to me?
why me? why not the president? why the secretary? my job is just to take down minutes, do up the club documents.. not to take up all this shit..

i m so close to just bursting out and tell gideon that i had enough. i don't want anymore nonsense. i want my life back. one more problem and i will just resign my post.

fuck to all those who cant even take a little remark. i wasnt even scolding you guys. i just raise my voice and there you are angry like nobody business. you said i never used my money to pay the poster. erm.. excuse me, i just spend like a few hundreds trying to solve the bloody case that you brought upon. so now this is what i get..

want to know why i did not tell you my problems? that is because i doubt any of you will understand. you say let it out by telling you guys what problems i faced. excuse me, i realise something. the more i told you all, the more problem you have to fret about then you cant even attend your problem. just like when the bloody fucking entertainment company asked you for cancellation fee. i told you i will handle them. then you drop it altogether? without even bothering the outcome? is that the kind of attitude to be event coordinator.

maybe you were just in the midst of your anger as i just lash out just like that. but please lah, you need not need to lash it out in your blog and make it sound like i was the horrible bitch. seriously, you have not seen the worst of me.

and to that one person who think i gave you cold shudder? well, just want to inform you, if i were to stick around and talk again, i will definitely burst out. i m already at the peak of just lashing out anybody who just angered me even for a little.

enough if you cant even handle a snide remark and goes bursting all over. frankly, you are not cut out for the world then. more scolding you will be faced. more worst. and there you proudly claim that you are an event student? omfg. i think you are just a disgrace to our batch.

sad but true.

i m done with the attitude they gave me. you pass to me late and there you said i was rushing you guys? erm.. but dont you think you are ust procastinating too much?

WAKE UP! there is no more time for you to still joke around. you dont have time already. don't you ever realise that.

of course you can say i did not contribute much. oh fuck yes. i did not contribute. fuck. then who the hell got the most scolding? get your facts right before i start screaming at you.

i have come to a point that i feel so disgusted by you guys that i have no more faith already. sorry. i know people kept telling me, patience. they can do it. but after this incident, i think the faith is going downhill. buckle up now if you dont want drastic thing to happen.

prove me wrong now if you think i talk rubbish 'coz i dont think i m.

screw it all. because of you guys, i fought with the person i love the most. i was drenched in tears the whole night. feeling guilty and all for scolding you guys.. ok not scolding. snide remark. you told us to be in your shoes.. oh well. why not we exchange? i dont mind for the love of god!

fuck it man..

and i m damn piss at myself for lashing out at the innocent person. damn fucking stupid. urgh.

syg. i love you no matter what happen. do forgive me for what happen yesterday. dont know what went into my head also.

.aishah.

i was actually planning to have a damn nice time for this new year. i mean.. a new year since fabulous things are coming up.. yep.. totally spoilt with arguments after arguments with parents. yada..

the whole fiasco.

anyway.. new year. went to ecp with syg. oh yeah. the plan of wanting to suntan failed miserably thanks to the oh-so-ever-changing weather. sheesh. cycled for like one hour and my butt hurt already. gosh.

so the 2 of us did the most unimaginable thing ever. we sat near the beach and......... we talk.. yep. so interesting eh?

hahax.

i know. its like totally lame. but what else can we do. my butt hurt nobody business. no sun to get tan. sea too pack with the M&M. so yeah we just enjoyed the wind and enjoying the presence of our company.

we talked. future behold ahead us. the oh-so-frequent argument we had. gosh.

its like everything moved so far. it feels like only yesterday that we knew each other. now, its like 8 month with each other. see how time fly so fast.

well, friday nothing much happen. day was spoilt since class changed back from 3 to 5 pm to cover our holiday lecture. no fun. so yeah. whats more, after i finished class, both of us had meetings. darn meetings. he have to leave much earlier as he was meeting up with his friends for a small gathering. guys night out. understand understood. so yeah. nothing interesting happen.

except that i felt weird this whole week. people look at me from head to toe. erm, is my clothes to eccentric? i thought it was just ok? oh well.

well, i do had fun hitting syg on his hand, playing scissors,paper or stone.

childish, i know.

oh what to do. a growing teenagers need to be childish to learn how to grow up, right?

aishah, stop ranting.

ok ok.. i will..

hahax.

better get back to my assignment.

ps. jon, felt bad not going out with you today. i promise, we will definitely go out, after this whole fiasco is over.

loved and contented with my beloved.

.aishah.